I rejoined deviantART recently, since I've been stuck on the sofa and have nothing to do other than art, really. I didn't full on rejoin, just logged back in after, like, a couple of months.
Aside from updating with the art that I'd done in the time I was away, I tidied up my gallery a little. There was some really embarassing stuff in there. I can't believe I was so lazy. But I'm desperately trying to improve now. Moonlit has worn out it's welcome after 90 favourites, which I'm extremely grateful for, but I need to keep going. Moonlit's been the only thing that's really stood out amoungst my stuff. It's hard though. I want to get better, but there's only a certain amount I can do for the time being. I won't be able to learn properly until I go to college. There are some brilliant self-taught artists out there, but I'm just a rookie. I'm a big fish in a small pond at my school, but I'm tiny compared to all those out there in the ocean. I want to be great.
I often feel this feeling of imperfection, the feeling to change for the better but not knowing how to go about it. It's usually my personality that feels imperfect. I often get stuck with people who don't realise how deep their words go, how hurtful they are. "The sinners sin, but aren't aware". It's true. I have low self esteem due to them, and that just makes me more vunerable to what they say. I hate who I am, (thanks a lot, haters. You've made me hate myself...) but I might just be able to make it if I keep trying. My personality is apparently something that no-one would ever want, so maybe I can please them with my art and other things. Okay, I only have art. I think I care about people too, but only if they care about me. Once they upset me I couldn't care less what I do to them, I guess... No, that's not right. That's just the words that they put in my head. I care about people who care for me and if they make a mistake I forgive them and hold on desperately because I've got no-one else. The only time I couldn't care less about people is when they make me feel like they couldn't care less about me. Even if they do care about me, if they make me feel good-for-nothing then I don't have to put up with them! I'm a free person and I'm not going to stand for people who make me feel worthless!
Ah, I'm sorry... I've got a lot of wounds from a recent battle that haven't healed yet. I don't think they ever will, because they hurt me a lot more than the perpertrator realises.
So, I'm sorry if I ruined your mood. I love you all, and if you go away with one thing after reading this, let it be this: never ever forget that someone will always love you.
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